Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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