Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
