I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
