i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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