One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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