Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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