More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
