oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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