I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
