I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
