haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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