she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
