If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
