On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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