mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
