I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
