Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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