Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
