it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
