Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
