I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
