whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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