I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
