Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
