How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
