Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
where are my eyebrows?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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