I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
