I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
