The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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