College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
