John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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