Need sex. Gaining weight.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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