did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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