If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
