If i come over, it means nothing
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
