We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
