I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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