sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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