i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
