I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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