my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
