i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
