So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
