I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
