Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
