I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
