Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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