The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
