Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
