so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
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i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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