I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
