You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
