it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
