I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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