I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
