Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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