i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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