dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
